My dad expected to spend our first Christmas in
Nepal as he always had: sleep in late, have a Christmas brunch, open presents,
stay at home, relax with family. That expectation was shattered at 6AM when two
of the deacons in our Nepali church knocked on our front door. They had come to
collect our family and go to the annual bhan
bhoj—forest feast, also commonly called a “picnic” by Nepalis. My family
spent our first Christmas in Nepal on the top of some hill overlooking the
Kathmandu Valley with our Nepali church family of about 60 or 70 people at the
time. We cooked two meals (pilau—rice
cooked with ghee, or clarified
butter, and sprinkle with whole spices and dried fruit—as well as curried meat
and vegetables), sang Nepali Christmas carols to the beat of a madal (a two-headed folk drum) and
tambourine, prayed, and explored the forest, chatted, ate lots of food, and
fellowshipped. We piled back into the rented bus (and I mean piled—with people
on the roof) only when it began to get dark around 5 or 6 PM.
After my family moved back to the States, Christmas
fell on a Sunday one year (I don’t remember which year). Our Alabama church
decided not to have a service on that day—rather, people were expected to
celebrate with their own families. I was devastated. Not only would the day be
boring (who stayed at home on Christmas?),
but even more baffling to me, why would anyone not want to celebrate Christ’s birth with their church family?
These are memories that came to mind as I
listened recently to John Piper’s sermon “Single in Christ: A Name Better Than
Sons and Daughters” (there is also a chapter by that name is his book “This
Momentary Marriage”). Slowly, I’m coming to understand why my understanding of
single people and the church, and single people in the church, seems to be at such odds with Western Christian assumptions
(and lack of sound teaching) I’ve encountered on these subjects. So much of my
perception of the church and singleness is wrapped up in my experience of the church
as I grew up in Nepal—and my experience differed from what most people understand
and experience as “church” in the United States.
Here’s the complication: many people look at
me—white American—and assume a certain cultural identity. Once people begin to
interact with me though, the boundaries between cultures become apparently
mixed up. I’ve found that nowhere is this more upsetting than within the
Christian Church. My parents joke how I’m not of their same culture—rather, I’m
a TCK (Third Culture Kid), or now an ATCK (Adult Third Culture Kid), thus have
different cultural understandings or expectations. For example: for our first
Christmas back in the US in 2001, my mother was planning a “traditional”
Christmas dinner with all the fixings—turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, you name
it. When she relayed this plan to me, I—then fifteen years old—stood with mouth
open, aghast, and reacted with “that is NOT Christmas dinner!” and insisted
that we have pilau and curried meat
and vegetables instead. To her credit, she obliged. But I’ve come to realize
that my understandings, and expectations, concerning the church and singleness
are also wrapped up in my experience of being raised abroad. John Piper’s sermon
nicely brings these two concepts together
The
Church: Where Christ’s Blood is Thicker Than Biological Blood
When people become Christians in Nepal, their
family, if not Christian, will often disown or reject them. The church then, in
many literal ways, becomes a new believer’s family. Life as a church is life as a family. This is evident in
celebrations like Christmas, birthdays, weddings, and Nepali national and
religious holidays, which are observed together by breaking bread, prayer,
fasting, fellowship, and teaching. It is also evident in meeting each other’s
needs and sometimes financially helping one another. As I’ve come back to
Nepal, my own Nepali church family has continued to act as my family—making
sure I’m well fed, getting upset with me when I don’t tell them I’m sick/going
out of town, and entirely flexible with letting me tag along to events, or hang
out at their house when I’m bored.
My experience of my Nepali church as family led
easily to a theological understanding of the church as a family, where Christ’s
blood binds us together. I think this understanding was strengthened as I grew
up with a lack of interactions with extended
blood family—my grandparents were geographically distant people who called on
Christmas or my birthday; I was not present for the birth or early years of any
of my cousins, and I grew up just seeing my extended family maybe every three
years. When my family moved back to the States, I was often at a loss as to why
my mother insisted on visiting various extended family every year (didn’t we
see them last year?), or several times a year (but we just saw grandma three months ago…) As a result, I’ve grown up with a
different concept of who is family—and
who I have responsibility toward.
Singleness
as a viable, exchangable, and mature state
My family was a part of an international expat community
in Nepal, where there were a significant number of single men and women who
played integral roles in INGO administration of providing services to people in
Nepal. Some eventually got married, many never married, and many became single
again when their spouse died unexpectedly. I do not remember any married people
complaining that these single people were extending adolescence, not seeking to
mature in their relationship with Christ, or shirking responsibilities to the
community. Many of them were in leadership positions and well respected within
the community—some were newly out of university or medical school; others were
middle-aged, or coming close to retirement.
When I moved to the US, I encountered the
conception of singleness in US church culture as an extension of adolescence. There
was an emphasis that young people need to get married, have children—be adults.
While in many ways I understood these accusations as well founded when I saw my
peers extending their adolescence and not seeking maturity, I was not expecting
personal attacks as I moved through college and then past college to begin a
graduate career as a single person. While I see myself as walking, though
imperfectly, through the doors that God opened for me (and not always doors
that I would have chosen to open,
much less walk through!), I have been accused of being a lesbian (on more than
one occasion!) not being in God’s will or immature because I’m not married with
two-and-a-half kids, and when I do not visibly serve in three ministries at my
local church, accused of selfishness with my time!
Developing
a Theology of Singleness and the Church
Christians in Nepal currently face a cultural
dilemma: they have been taught to bury their dead instead of cremate the
deceased. Hindus cremate their dead, and have a philosophy concerning cremation
that is central to the philosophy of Hinduism. Christians burying their dead
has become a cultural marker of difference. However, this tradition has created
untold division within “split” (Hindu and Christian) families, and tension
within the wider Nepali community (where land is often denied for burial; if
burial happens, the community will often exhume the body and cremate it, for
fear that the deceased person’s ghost will linger). As a result, several church
leaders in Nepal are calling for the Nepali Church to develop a theology of
cremation that is appropriate and relevant to their cultural context—one that
will serve the purpose of not unduly offending the wider culture (that’s the
Gospel’s job), that will lead the Christian family through the grieving
process, and be a witness to the wider culture (and where Christians will not
assume that cremating their dead is a non-Christian act).
Likewise, developing a theology if singleness I
think is imperative for the US Church—not just for those who have not yet been
married. Inevitably, many people who are married will be single again—through
divorce, or the death of a spouse. Yet, whether single, married, or single
again, we remain part of Christ’s Bride and have integral roles to play. As
John Piper points out, teaching on singleness also keeps married people from
idolizing marriage. And as part of the church body, a theology of singleness
will better serve the wider church body.
While imperfect, and certainly not a completely
theology as I’m still thinking through many of these things, here is the gist
of answers I have given people within the church who ask about my singleness:
· As a Christian, I am a full
inheritor of God’s grace and part of Christ’s Bride.
I often have to remind myself that God has not withheld good from me by
withholding marriage—he gave all of himself for me on the cross, and the untold
riches of my inheritance in Christ are mine as a single person (Ephesians 1 to
3).
· As a single woman, I am fully
feminine. First, my primary identity lies in Christ
(Galatians 2:20), not in my gender. Yet gender is still an important aspect of
my identity, and it can still be expressed as a single person. The book that
has most transformed my thinking on this has been Carolyn McCulley’s book Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God
with Hope Deferred, which is structured around Proverbs 31.
· As a Christian single, I too
reflect aspects of God’s character and the nature of His Church.
The following points are taken from John Piper’s book “This Momentary Marriage”
(pg. 106):
o
The truth that the family of God grows not by
propagation through sexual intercourse, but by regeneration through faith in
Christ
o
The truth that relationships in Christ are more
permanent, and more precious, than relationships in families (and, of course,
it is wonderful when relationships in families are also relationships in
Christ; but we know that is often not the case)
o
The truth that marriage is temporary and finally
gives way to the relationship to which it was pointing all along: Christ and
the church—the way a picture is no longer needed when you see face- to-face
o
The truth that faithfulness to Christ defines the
value of life; all other relationships get their final significance from this.
No family relationship is ultimate; relationship to Christ is
· While I am a single person, I
have limited time and resources. In other words, I don’t
have to feel guilty about saying “no.” When I worked on my master’s degree, I
took time to be on the nursery rotation, be a regular part of the sound team at
church, and occasionally play piano preludes before services. However, during
the year I worked toward ABD (all-but-dissertation) status for my PhD, I had to
suspend this church ministry as I took some of the most grueling coursework
I’ve ever encountered and juggled three part-time jobs. I did this with the
understanding that this was only for a season; once I reached ABD (which some
of my colleagues aptly dubbed “all-but-dead”) status, I could resume more
regular ministry work. During this time of suspending ministry however, I made
it a priority to stay involved with my care group. Here, I also discovered that
small acts of praying with people, being honest about my own struggles or
sharing what God was teaching me at the time, were also acts of “ministry.”
· I am single for your benefit.
Each of us has different gifts that are part of the collective inheritance of
the saints. While I may not be single all
my life, I am single today, and that
is for your benefit as my brother or sister in Christ (Romans 12:3-8). While
this may sound like a coy reply (which in several ways, it is), there is much
truth in it.
Serving
the Singles in Your Church
In most sermons I’ve encountered on singleness,
the pastor usually ends with a list of ways singles can serve families in
church. This makes it seem like a one-way relationship, where couples or
families cannot bless singles. How often I have wished that the pastor had also
included ways that families and couples can be a blessing to singles! I have
been grateful to the families who have served me. Following is a list—not
inexhaustible—of ways that I have been blessed by families in churches I have
been a part of:
· Treat
us like men and women: I think this is especially important in
discipleship—single people are not a lump of ungendered people; rather, we have
specific challenges as men and women that we need to be held
accountable for and walked through. There are several women that I am
privileged to call “mothers” who have shared coffee with me, prayed with me, or
taken the time to wake up early and skype with me when I was half way around
the world in need of an listening ear!
· Treat
us like adults: in other words, encourage and allow for leadership
opportunities and give responsibilities as appropriate within the church body. Do
not assume that because we’re still single, we’re not mature enough or prepared
enough for responsibilities. We each have our own gifts, personalities, and
talents and resources to offer--we have much more to offer (and learn!) than
just babysitting services (and I don’t mean to belittle serving in the nursery
either)! Being the only woman on the sound team at my US church has allowed me
to learn new skills that have complemented the skills I have as a performing
musician and ethnomusicologist, and suited my personality as a
behind-the-scenes and detail-and-task-oriented person. I have also enjoyed
getting to know men and their families in church who I otherwise would not have
known. I often wonder what roles people like Jesus Christ, or the Apostle Paul,
would be relegated to within the church today on account of their singleness...
· Include
us in the greater church body: one of the things I am grateful for in my
current US church family is the presence of intergenerational care groups. On a
weekly basis, I have the opportunity to bless and be blessed by other singles,
young families, “empty-nesters,” those who are single again, and those who are
in retirement. Which leads to another point:
· Understand
that there are seasons of singleness: some of us have been married and are now
single again—with or without children. Some of us have never been married, and
are in the middle of a blossoming career. Some of us are fresh out of college
and in an entry-level job. There is no one-size-fits-all-singleness. Be
sensitive to this aspect of singleness, and seek to serve appropriately.
· Pray
for us: we know you’re praying for our spouse, but also pray that we will bring
God glory in all areas of life, for struggles with temptation and sin we
encounter today, and that we will enjoy continued fellowship with our Savior.
· Allow
for rest: as singles, we often have “the challenge of endless opportunity,”
which can mean that we are often physically “eta-uta” (Nepali for
“here-and-there”), which can be physically and emotionally draining. There is a
couple in Virginia who I try and visit for a few days every time I’m on the
East Coast. While they are off at work during the day, I sleep-in at their
place (usually I see them when I’ve just come back from overseas, so battling
jet-lag while in the middle of a busy travel schedule to see family and
friends), and when I’m awake, enjoy the company of their dogs and the setting
of their rural home. In the evenings, we cook together, go on a walk, and catch
up. Opening their home as a place of rest has been one the best gifts!
· Have
a single person live with your family: this is something that needs to be
prayed about and not entered into lightly, but allowing a single person who is
between jobs, in graduate school, or in some stage of transition live with your
family for a time can be a huge blessing to the single person—and to you. I’ve
lived with several families for periods of two months to a year. In my own
experience, this has provided not only immediate resources (like a bed to sleep
in each night and at least one hot meal a day—things I can’t exactly pack into
a suitcase!), but has also allowed me to observe marriage and family
relationships (other than those within my own biological family) and see how
different families manage roles as husband, wife, father, mother, son and
daughter, and how God has used them to build His church and further His
kingdom. It has kept me in community and accountable for my actions toward
others. I have been able to serve the family by house sitting while they are
away, preparing meals or cleaning when the wife/mother has had a hectic day, or
my presence has helped in other transitions within the family (like when an
older sister goes off to college, having me as an older-sister figure in the
house has helped younger siblings).
End
Note
This blog is much longer than I originally
intended; a little more helter-skelter, and perhaps opened up more questions
than it gave answers. Thanks for reading to the end!
Resource
list:
- “How to Serve “the
Singles”—Ministry to Unmarried Adults in Your Local Church” http://solofemininity.blogs.com/posts/singles_the_church/
- McCulley, Carolyn. Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting
God with Hope Deferred
- Piper, John. This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of
Permanence
